Getting bored waiting for Whirlpool, the players rewrite his plot.

 

 

Whirlpool's Room of Doom

 

A floating, bald head says, "WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM!"

 

Contents:

 

Carmina

 

Zak

 

Chandrakanta

 

Whirlpool

 

Rawsone

 

Obvious exits:

 

Out <O>

 

Rawsone says, "Whirl went to shower."

 

Chandrakanta says, "of course he did"

 

So, our heroes have returned, safely, and now they, along with many other Alexandrians, have gathered here in the countryside to witness the marriage of Xander and Darshana.

 

Rawsone, being her normal outgoing self, is officiating, of course. She's dressed in her Tarien robes, and stands at the, for lack of a better term, altar.

 

Carmina, invited to be a bridesmaid, seems to be protesting the marriage, as she wears both a sullen expression and the dress that the Garnak made her wear.

 

And look, there's Gylf, to give the bride away. (Which one's the bride?)

 

Chandrakanta managed to decline wearing that bridesmaid's dress. Instead, she entertains the crowd in her chainmail bikini, interpertive dance in the Veyshanti style.

 

"Oh, Xander!" Darshan enthuses. He titters from the back of the aisle, gushing. She waggles his fingers at Carmina--she'd helped with the makeup. And the transformation!

 

"Oh, Xander!" Darshan enthuses. She titters from the back of the aisle, gushing. She waggles hers fingers at Carmina--she'd helped with the makeup. And the transformation! "I feel like such a lady! Oh yooo-hoo! Chandra! Are you still on for borrowing me the chainmail bikini for tonight, dear?"

 

Karelin has arrived.

 

Rawsone winks at Karelin. What Zak doesn't know can't hurt him, right? "Now now," she calls, "I thought you were borrowing -mine-, it's a better fit."

 

"Darshana," Carmina, the reluctant, gothically bedecked bridesmaid whispers to the blushing bride. "I will never forgive you for marrying my Xander. You told me you could only love another Sith'Makar. Blackrose may be a cad, but he is /no/ reptile."

 

Xander has arrived.

 

Darshana giggles, and begins traipsing down the aisle, her eyes fixed on the gloriously on the great mage ahead. She stops at Carmina's words, though--and BURSTS INTO TEARS!

 

"That's right. You cry, you whore," Carmina tells Darshana, and then throws her bridesmaid's bouquet down.

 

"I'm so sorry!" Darshana sniffles. "But...perhaps we could both marry him? After all, I'm sure there's enough Xander to go around!" She holds out her arms to Carmina! Glorious Reunion! Music cues. The congregation takes a collective breath! Birds prepare to burst gloriously into song and complicated dance maneuvers!

 

"Carmina! You said you wouldn't--oh, Karelin, Zak, I know this isn't the right time," Rawsone gasps suddenly, glancing down at her stomach, "But I can't lie to you any longer, and I can't lie to my friends either. The baby? It's Xander's!"

 

Chandrakanta stops writhing, her eyes agape at Rawone, "but you told me it was mine? You traitorous bitch!" She storms over to give the Priestess a what for.

 

"Well, that'd explain why he tries to disintegrate me every time we meet now," Zak says with a shrug. "While we're on the subject, I have a confession. Velar ran afoul of a Baleful Polymorph a while back and...she's Rana."

 

Zak is suddenly handed a note. "VOTE FOR VIC LEONALL OR WE WILL CAST DISPEL MAGIC ON RANA."

 

Darshana's mouth falls open, and a soft "oh!" escapes her delicate reptilian lips! "But...my wedding!" she wails! "YOU BITCH!" They're both going to get it. "Karelin! Make sure Xander doesn't run away!"

 

"I used you. Get over it," Rawsone starts to tell Chandra. "...Wait...WHAT?" she rounds on Zak now. "YOU MEAN I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED AS...UGH! There isn't going to -be- a wedding," she snaps at Darshana. "Find yourself another priest." Gathering up the hem of her dress, she marches out into the country lane--where she's immediately run over by a speeding carriage.

 

The priest sputters, "Now see here! I'm here to marry someone, so someone better get married!" He looks balefully at the crowd. And totally points at random.

 

Karelin looks like a kicked puppy, then sighs. "Chandra -- have you been saving the extra again? I told you not to do that after Isabelle had Havelock!" Then he unlimbers a lasso, and starts twirling it. "Alrightie! One Blackrose comin' up."

 

Carmina seemed ready to forgive and forget, stepping toward Darshana to join the bride on her walk up the aisle. "I'm sorry Rawsone, I just..." she says. "I have to confess too," she says, turning to Darshana and opening her mouth. "The aura that the Garnaks were talking about? My mother...is not just a bank robber. She is a vampire bankrobber, and I am a dhampir!" Fangs suddenly appear. "Darshana....let me suck your cold blood."

 

"Aieeee!" Darshana wails! And runs THE OTHER WAY down the aisle!

 

"After we paid Sandy to make that device so we could have a child you slept with Xander!" Chandra is quite incensed. She blanches when Karelin speaks. Denial written all across her face.

 

"Damnit! I'm going to marry someone!" says the priest. "...someone fetch Rana!"

 

Karelin runs out the door after Xander, but comes back dragging Gylf. "I don't -care- if you're engaged to Kylie, you're getting married -now-!"

 

Carmina turns and looks at Gylf. "JENNER?"

 

*Woof?*

 

"Helllo! I'm dying over here!" Rawsone yells from under the carriage. "Unless Carmina turns me into the very thing I hate most, because, yes, I am a VAMPIRE HUNTER!"

 

"Aieeeee!" cries Darshana, still running! Carmina is fearsome!

 

Carmina pauses in her indignance to put on some black lipstick that she pulled out of a coffin shaped purse.

 

Suddenly, a large woman rides in atop a dragon. She bears a massive greataxe and a standard featuring an upside-down boat and the word SUBTLE. "Hello my friends, did you miss me? I was busy conquering the rest of the world! I hit things very hard on eleven different continents!"

 

Karelin looks around, panicked. "Does anyone have any flaming weapons? They're the only things that do aggravated damage against her..." He looks up: "Adaiah?"

 

"Alright!" roars the priest. He goes for the rum barrel, "I'm sh-sh...ok! You!" he points to Karelin, "You! And...uhm...you, yesh, the four legs! And..." he shakes his head to clear it. Doesn't do much good. "Pursh-lady!" he levels a finger at Carmina. "And the...yer pregnant aren'tcha?" he peers at Rawsone. "Aw, hellsh! I'm just marryin' you all!" And he says The Words. (And they are healed!)

 

"Agnes! My love! Save me! I...wait...I...I don't feel so...who are you?" Rawsone asks the nearest person, still bleeding to death. Very slowly, apparently. "I...where am I?"

 

Zak uses mad foam rager to delay being married for one round.

 

Carmina looks up from applying her make up. "Ahhh...very good. Very very good. I vant them to all come to my home. All ov zem." Then she wanders about, leaving black lipsticked kisses on everyone's cheek.

 

"Wait? Vampires?" Chandra is a little slow on the uptake. She reaches for her bow and arrow and misfires towards Carmina, except, her dice were horrid and instead she hits the priest.

 

Darshana screams and runs away! She falls into some random person's arms, sobbing!

 

Karelin invokes STand Tough, and turns marriage into a trip to the Gold Coast.

 

"Dhampir," Carmina corrects when she approaches Chandra. "It means zat I have only zee zexy qualities of a vampire, hmm?" Including a bad French accent.

 

"Aieee!" says the priest! "I will have to become vampre (half) and unicorn (threequarters) so I can live again! Carmina, my love...I cannot finish the *gasp* ceremony! Someone...traded...my...dice...Whirldice...!"

 

"Oh no! My wife is dying! Uh, not you. Or you. Or...you're technically dead already, ain't you? *That* one. Under the cart." Zak exclaims. And then he lifts up the cart and juggles it. "So, uh, someone should really heal her. Or raise her from the dead. Whatever."

 

Rawsone is suddenly fallen on by a lizard! "Eeee! What are -you-? Where did you come from? Who am I? What am I doing here? Someone, help me!"

 

"Woof!" says Gylf, which means, "I have always loved you, Zak!"

 

Karelin reads a heal scroll, with typically unpredictable results: (over to you, Rawsone)

 

Rawsone promptly turns into a male sith'makar. But at least she's not bleeding any longer?

 

"Where is Agril, he knows how to raise the dead!" Chandra exclaims, firing off another very poorly placed shot with her crossbow. "just make sure he leaves her clothing on! I hear he does things to them!"

 

Darshana sobs, "X-X-he ran away!" she sniffles. "He's--he's...uhm. You look cute!" she promptly hugs Rawsone and forgets all about Xander. "What big teeth you have!"

 

Carmina dodges the arrow like a monk. "Ahh...Zhandrakanta. I must tell zoo, I have been a monk all zees time." And then she walks over to the priest. "My darling! How long I have waited to toss your Whirldice!"

 

Chandrakanta falls over dead, unexpectedly.

 

Suddenly, Lilly Atherton arrives. And Peter Atherton. And Elizabeth Atherton. And Emily Atherton. And Tulip Atherton. And Anton Atherton III. And Anton Atherton II. And Little Anton Atherton IV. And Isabelle Zelenoch-Teras-Doran-Atherton.

 

Darshana cuddles Rawsone, twining tails. "Such claws! Such fangs!" she gushes. And traipses down the aisle with her. "Oh, priest! Will you--" but the priest is dead!

 

"It'sss all right!" Rawsone-makar tells Darshana. "I think...I think in my life before I was a priest! I can marry us right now!"

 

Karelin muaahahahahhas, and turns into the Hound of Myrrdion, and sets celestial lions against the crowd. "There will be no marriage. Its against my alignment!"

 

"Hooray!" says Darshana! She flutters her eyes. "But gasp! Karelin has summoned lions!"

 

"Alas, my wife has become a male Sith'makar, and is now marrying someone else. This happens to me *all* the time," Zak says with a sigh. "My only recourse is to turn to a life of staunch goodness and bitterness. DETECT EVIL ON EVERYONE!"

 

"Sorry I'm late, I had to heal a paladin's nose. Someone had broken it!" says Sandy the hippy tree-hugging elf, as she arrives.

 

"I am eveel, but allz I need is love, no?" Carmina says, leaning against the dead/vampire/unicorn priest and licking her fangs. "And zhen I will be a very good girl...haz anyone zeen my maid costume?"

 

"Only to rise again! The priest vampire (half) unicorn (threequarters!) He walks over and thwacks Zak in the face! "We are not evil! We are only misunderstood!" he puts on his black lipstick and fishnet stockings. "Oh, Carmiiiina! My true love!"

 

"Oh, it is Sandy!" Darshana says, clapping her hands together, "Sandy, Sandy Treehugger Butterflywings! Will you marry us?" she wraps her arm around Rawsone-the-hulky-male-sith'makar.

 

Suddenly, Zak, overwhelmed by all the evil in the area, undergoes a horrifying transformation! He becomes the most evil, vile, despicable creature imaginable. "Ooo, I wonder what *this* button does?" says Zak, the gnome artificer.

 

And then rolls in Agril, he's covered in hay of course (not to be confused with gay). He prances over to Chandra's dead body, which is already just in her chainmail bikini, "good enough!" Laying hands on her head, 'Heal! Bring life back into this corpse!" Winking at her when she comes to, and whispering under his breath. "You'll have to work that off with the Daeusites, if you know what I mean!"

 

Whirlpool kills you all.

 

Carmina holds her vampire priest in front of her, and points at the gnome priest shrieking, "KEEELL EEEET."

 

"Of course I will!" exclaims Sandy, who lives in Happy Valley. "You're married! Now you both have to kiss me!" Which Rawsone-makar does without hesitation!

 

Darshana rushes over and hugs them both, "It is the most wonderful day in my life!" she gushes. "Now we are all Prince and Princess Butterflywings Treehugger Sparklypantses!"

 

Karelin-Hound summons little brass dragons, that attack the falling confetti with their flames. "So, who gets to bond with the Gold?"

 

"But I haven't even demonstrated my Gnomatronic Gnomification Gnomifier Device That Turns People Into Gnomes Forever More. It, uh, makes pretty lights. That's all," Zak says. And then he pushes the button.

 

And the world explodes.

 

"Oh god, not again!" Chandra mutters as she sits up. She looks around just as the device starts to make everything go bright. "Oh, bugger! I'm a gnome again?"

 

"Sheet, sheet sheet sheet," Carmina yells. She lifts her hands, and from it springs webs of darkness to envelope the world and hold it together. "Zomeone get zee glue!"

 

No one has actually been turned into a gnome. Everyone is, however, wearing T-shirts with the word NOME on them.

 

"Oh, no, it's worse! I'm not a gnome, I'm an elf!" Darshan sobs. "And I look like Sandy...we all look like Sandy!" The 'makar pauses. "I feel the urge to hit something."

 

"Is that my name? Is...What is this strange fabric? Hey, look!" Hunky male Rawsone-makar promptly rips the t-shirt by bulging her muscles.

 

Karelin gets out the hose, and starts dousing the lot -- NOME t-shirt contest!

 

"I don't look like me!" squeaks the Sandy-gnome. "I look like Thurgrun! Why do I look like Thurgrun?"

 

"Oh, wait! I'm a 'makar again! And no one looks like elves anymore!" Darshana pulls off the magic glasses. And is promptly doused. :(

 

"Why do I have a sudden urge to find a cheetah?" Gnome-Sandy wonders.

 

Darshana flutters her fingers, fanning herself as hunky Rawsone-makar rips the shirt! "Oh, your great scaley chest!"

 

"-Your- chest!" Rawsone replies. Darshana is female, right? Which automatically means she has mammary glands, right? Even though she's a reptile? "I love you in that wet fabric!"

 

Zak, who has lost track of what species he is at the moment, is desparately trying to fix the situation by flipping switches on his device. A tear opens up in the sky, and balloons and confetti come pouring in. "It's Sandy's fault!" says Zak quickly.

 

Chandrakanta borrows moves from Zahrah in the event she is an elf, who can keep the species straight at this point, dancing around in the wet tshirt. Lap dances for everyone.

 

"Tee-hee," says Sandy. "It is! I filled the sky with those earlier!"

 

Karelin bellows: "ITS ADVENTURERS WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM! WHO WANTS A NECKLACE OF FIREBALLS?!"

 

Of course! Because it's a fantasy game and has no basis in reality! "And I look great in this chainmail bikini!" Darshana gushes, squeals, and hugs Rawsone tightly. "And I'm so glad you're having a baby!"

 

"Zomeone love me! I am Zexy," Carmina demands, then sits in a corner and cries.

 

"Oh no! Somehow my device has transformed everyone into sex maniacs! I must repair this!" Zak cries. A pause. "Later."

 

Chandrakanta forgets that Carmina is a vampire and gives her a very special lapdance.

 

"My love!" Darshana cries, drawing back from Rawsone just a little, "Carmina deserves love, too! We will all be sith'makar (half) vampire (half) and gnome (half) together!"

 

"I'm having a baby? But how? I'm a man!" cries Rawsone-makar.

 

"Hooray!" cries Rawsone.

 

"You said you were pregnant! ...I think it comes out the tail," Darshana peeks at the tip of Rawsone's tail. "Yes, there it is! ...but it looks like Agril!" she wails.

 

Carmina-the-vampire makes out with Chandra. It is just scandalous - they aren't even drunk!

 

"What? I'm in labor?" Rawsone starts screaming, and grips Darshana's hand tightly.

 

Totally makes out with Carmina, she's hawt after all and has a special aura. Maybe she's trying to get it to rub off on her.

 

Carmina tries not to make a joke about something rubbing off on Chandra. Oh! Oops.

 

Darshana pats Rawsone-male-makar's hand! "It's ok! It's ok!" she wails, and looks around desperately! "Wait! Someone get Zak! He can do anything! Zak, you must DELIVER THIS BABY!" And the baby has a beard. It totally looks like Dern, not Agril. Who knew??

 

Agril totally runs over to join the makeout session.

 

Since, after a sex-change, he's now Agrilla. But still gay :(.

 

Karelin gives in to the machine, and there's scar-slash with Karelin and Zak. I know you all wanted it, so. :(

 

Oh, we did.

 

Does it involve a steam room and wrestling?

 

"Oh, my!" says the priest, "Who is that handsome ma--er, woman!" he grips Carmina's hand, only to find she's making out with Chandra! "You bitch!" ...and then he totally joins the makeout session. And includes Agrilla!

 

Rawsone is in pain! "I know what will help the baby come out faster, Darshana!" Let's just stop the pose right there.

 

Quick! Someone teleport them all to a steam room.

 

Sandy the hippy-elf transports them all to a hot spring!

 

"KOR! WITNESS!" shouts Zak.

 

Baldwin Addelburg appears in the middle of everything, rubbing his hands. "All at once, or one at a time!"

 

Carmina throws her head back. "Oh! Agrilla! How did you know I used to be a farm girl?"

 

"Oh my!" Darshana gushes, and hugs Rawsone tightly! Only Zak is now totally making out with Karelin! "Useless man!" she cries. But so watches. :(

 

"Maybe Xander can help us! He is our only hope!" cries Rawsone.

 

Meanwhile, halfway across the world, the *real* Zak languishes in a cell. "Never trust a doppelganger, folks. Ever."

 

The real, but awakened, Rana, hangs next to him. "Word."

 

Karelin steals the power converters for the Toshi Station, leaving Xander bereft.

 

Darshana sniffs, "Xander?? He is nothing compared to you...nothing! Oh, my love...keep trying! ...but why does the baby have Chandra's hair?" she squints at it. "Waaaa!" says the Dern-Chandra-Agril-etc etc etc baby as it makes its appearance! "I am the reincarnate of some great and evil deity! But I'm totally just misunderstood."

 

Karelin intones: "Xander, I am your father."

 

"Oh! It's the baby prophesized to both destroy and remake the world! I think I will call him Rand Al'thor!" Rawsone exclaims.

 

Carmina looks up from her makeout session. "Rand Al-Zhor? I have had zee crush on heem zince I waz fifteen. He is zee only man for me!"

 

Fortunately, Zak's captors made one fatal mistake. They forgot to feed Rana. Once she's slaughtered every ogre for hundreds of miles, she gets around to bringihg a key to his cell. "Now I must raise my army of the homeless and sweep forth across the land. Snow. I remember snow."

 

Zak has disconnected.

 

That one was for Whirl.

 

"Here!" Rawsone says, shoving the baby at Carmina. "I'm not mature enough to take care of him!"

 

Carmina examines the baby. "Zees is not Rand. Zees is something far worse...eeet es....Bangril."

 

"What. The. Fuck." Isabelle punctuates each word with a swing at the now-corpse of the Umber Hulk. "Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you fucking people? This thing looks at you funny and all of a sudden you're all babbling."